I have spent so much time reading, listening and watching other people on the internet I’m numb at the thought of it right now.

My life has gotten behind me.





I just got a response text from landlady. I texted earlier today to see if there was any update on the bug issue.

I noticed these little gnat like bugs coming into my bedroom from a corner close to the floor. They’re attracted to my bedside light at night when it’s warm. The temp has not been stable but we’ve had some warm and even a couple humid nights despite it still being Spring.

One night last week, around 9pm, she came up to have a look at where they’d landed on my lamp and nightstand on a couple of their more active nights. I’ve only seen them  when it was somewhat warm outside.

I was hoping she could see these things actually see them in action.

I know it’s gross to have left those bugs there all that time, until I knew she’d be coming up. I just knew that Murphy’s law would play out and the bugs would not be coming through the wall at the time she was scheduled to come see.

And since I needed her to see them, I left them where they lie. This landlady doesn’t believe unless she sees and even then she still questions or claims that my experience can’t possibly be real.

These gnat things get active in the wee hours of the morning though if I’m still up. So far I have not seen them in swarm capacity until that late. A few here a couple hours after dark, even when it’s warm. But not enough to make an impression on someone who wants to believe anything but what you’re telling them.

There was just no way I was letting landlady come up here at 1 am though either, even if I was up.  So I needed to keep some kind of proof around.

So there they were for her eyes to see.  I’d already gathered some and put into a jar, which I’d shown her one afternoon. That night she asked me to put some more into the jar. I’d forgotten how I’d gotten them into the jar before too so I didn’t get too many that time around.

I was also a bit irritated that she was asking me to do this. Isn’t that her job? Besides there were already a bunch in a jar she could take to her trip to the exterminator.

S0 back to the text exchange and her response”

Her response:  “I’ll get in touch with an exterminator sometime this week.  Just so you know, if the problem is internal, (within) the apartment, you will be responsible for paying the exterminator. If the problem is external to the apartment, I’m responsible.”  The exterminator will determine this.

“Just so ya know…?” UGH! Really?!?

These fuckin bugs are clearly coming in from outside the apartment. I showed her where they were coming in.  She’s such a hard head looking to pass the buck. I think she’s a low level narcissistic personality.

I felt sick to my stomach as soon as I read her response. Gotta get outta this place.

Craving a Butt

I want a cigarette. I quit years ago, but that doesn’t stop the cravings now and then. They are lesser (is that a word?) than ever. In fact this is the first time I’ve wanted a cigarette at all in years. It’s another habit that kicks up the craving.  But (a female cardinal just flew away after sitting on the tree just outside my window)

I don’t have any and I don’t truly want one. The last time I attempted to smoke a cigarette it really hurt my throat and lungs. I couldn’t finish it.

I was happy though that it had such an adverse effect. It helps to curb that desire remembering that last experience.

A few months after my father died, in 2013, my body just started rejecting anything cigarette. I spent the weeks leading up to his death nightly, at the bathroom window in my house, lighting up and puffing away.  It was winter and I didn’t always feel like standing out on the porch.

It was stress reducing to stand in the warmth of the house while catching some cold air and carbon monoxide of course (from the ciggie butts that is.)

When I get a craving now I know it’s from boredom, a void in my core or anxiety.